an honest question for polyamorous people that i couldn’t get off my mind last night:
how do you feel about the quote “if you ever find yourself stuck between two people, go for the second. because if you truly loved the first person, you wouldn’t have fallen in love with the second.” ??? i imagine that most poly people love their partners equally, so do you ever feel guilty that you might not love your first partner as much as the subsequent partners, because you feel in love with them later??
ahhh i hope this makes sense. please don’t take my words the wrong way; i just couldn’t stop thinking about this, and i’m curious to hear what others think!!
Well, that quote is perpetuating a toxic monogamy stereotype in my opinion. The stereotype that feelings of love are more important than the daily acts of commitment. Before @ezstory-teller and I had honest communication about polyamory and the ability to love more than one person, I thought about ideas like this and it brought me so much shame. I would have feelings for others, but those feelings mostly didn’t change my promises and attitude/behaviors of commitment. Those feelings drove us to a lot of honest communication, which I think every relationship needs, mono or not. But really, If you develop feelings for someone else and that’s not something you’re ok with, it’s not always a reason to leave your first partner. It’s an opportunity to figure out WHY your heart is wandering and put in the work needed to rebuild intimacy and trust with the partner you’ve committed to. Also, this quote doesn’t really apply to polya people in the sense that we are rarely “stuck between two people.” That’s the beauty of it all. We aren’t stuck. We get to choose to express love and affection for another while being supported and encouraged by an enthusiastically consenting partner. Idk about you but how in the world could I look at my husband, my first partner, with anything less than complete adoration for celebrating and encouraging that which makes my heart feel so happy and whole? Loving others doesn’t mean I love him less. In fact, I love him more fiercly than I did before, as my eyes are open to how lucky I am.
oh wow. interesting commentary!! thank you for your response!! 💎