key ingredients of a shitty YA fantasy novel


  • conventionally pretty white girl heroine who remains improbably attractive and curvy “in all the right places” even when she’s poor/a slave/living in the woods
  • of course she can’t acknowledge she’s pretty because then she’d be a slutty mcslutface so u gotta have some faux-modest “i’m so uglayy… my right nostril is 1 picometer bigger than my left and my cheekbones are too well-defined and my lips are so PLUSH and KISSABLE god i hate myself”
  • also the protag? is a horrible person. the fuckin w o r s t. but everyone loves her and cries abt how amazing she is
  • at least 2 love interests… the sweet actually decent guy who deserves better but is vanilla af and will probably die for angst, and the endgame fuckboi elf/fae/unicorn/whatever who shoots fireballs out his ass and is a toxically masculine douchebag
  • cartoonish bad guys who are so 1-dimensional and EVUHL that the more villainous things they do the funnier it becomes. they eat a baby, i’d better have tears of laughter streaming down my face
  • also every female villain is either a beautiful slutty mcslutface who uses her womanly wiles to achieve her ends or an old hag who hates the protagonist for being hotter than her. bonus if they’re evil lesbians
  • worldbuilding is for chumps. consistent magic systems? weak. take a few real-life mythologies. throw them on the floor. mix all the broken pieces together. bam there’s your lore u ho. make tolkien’s ghost cry,
  • plot?? PLOT??? who needs plot when there’s LoVe TrIaNgLeS to be had???? hyuk hyuk
  • not only is ur protagonist beautiful and everyone falls in love with her, but she’s gotta have some BADASS TITLES! bonus points will b awarded if u manage to include the words “fire”, “heart”, “queen” or “spell”
  • just fuckin. fuckin puke those em-dashes. colon? use an em-dash instead. ellipses? use an em-dash instead. space? use an em-dash inst
  • gays?? i only read abt str8 ppl. also the poc have gotta die for ur white protag’s angst bc thats what diversity is really about